#18 A sad night...

365 Blog Challenge: Post #18

I have worked as a nurse on a medical cardiology unit for 15 months.  It is my first job as a nurse, and it has been amazing, painful, irritating, educating and rewarding all at the same time.  In my 15 months, I have only seen 3 cardiac arrests.  1 of those 3 patients made it.  2 nights ago, it was one of my own patients who didn't survive.  This was my first patient death, and it was a difficult one.  The patient was a wonderful, but very sick man, who'd been under our care for weeks, and in fact, I had been his nurse at least a couple times a week since he'd been there.  It was not a pretty death.  It was not completely unexpected, but it was not peaceful or serene.  The room was full of medical professionals doing their jobs, orderly chaos, and last ditch efforts.  Everyone, even before the code, was trying so hard to keep this man alive, but it was just not meant to be.

I don't think I'll cry after every patient death.  Some patients I won't know so well.  Some patients are so debilitated that I think they are ready for their discomfort and pain to end.  This patient was a hard patient to lose, and I did cry.  I was wiping tears from my face during the code.  I burst into tears in front of the intensivist when the case was called (she was very gracious).  And I was comforted in our break room by some very sweet and kind staff members.  I have to thank many of my coworkers for being so supportive and wonderful.  I couldn't have gotten through the night without them.

 I don't think I will ever forget this first death, and I don't think I should.  Life is fragile, and too often, it is cut short.  Hug the ones you love.  Don't take any breath for granted.  Live your life as you want to live it, not as others tell you to live it.  Life is a mysterious thing.  I'm glad that my patient had a good one, but I'm sad it had to end this soon.